This birthday has been particularly reflective for me. I can't even begin to count the ways I have changed in the past three years; how the things I value most have slowly and sneakily morphed. I've come to place more importance on reputation, ethics, and living based on principle than I ever thought. And more miraculously, I'm coming to some sort of middle-way understanding of life; attributing any radical nature to immaturity and insecurity.
I'm in a relationship that I work for, that bears weight, that feels frighteningly important. It's the first one in which I have not allowed myself to lose my head, finding the loss of "self" scarier than any loneliness I can conjure. The sustainability of things (relationships, earth, money) is more a concept in my life than it has ever been as I'm sort of veering away from the hurriedness that is youth (though both of our tongues are dripping with promises promises promises). Not so much grasping in the dark at everything and everything.
I think what I have learned can be boiled down to this: I'm no longer so afraid of being let down by life. It's undulations, the waxing and waning of things, feel less jarring. I simply want to be good, feel good, do good, make good. Yes, I want to see the world, and wear pretty clothes and eat fine foods but I think, all of my other beliefs inevitably lead to those perks. It's a miraculous cycle.
It's hard for me to remember, sometimes, to sit back and listen to the Cicadas, to let life ebb and flow the way it should.
Photo: Grace Kelly
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